Dave’s Reise nach Osten

When it comes to pre-marital relationships, there are two cultures to talk about: the one in Teheran and the one in the rest of the country. That is somewhat like Paris and the rest of France. Let’s start of with the rest:

For a lot of Iranis, having a girlfriend/boyfriend only means to have a friend from the other sex. For most of the youngsters here, it is a special thing to be in contact with a girl/a boy. Relations between men and women who are not married or relatives are disregarded. Boys and girls live seperated. In school, in highschool, the first time they mix up is in university. One traveller suspected the Iranis to only study because of that .
I heard of an Iranian boy who got arrested twice by the police because he was shopping with a girl he was not married to. It took some time to convince the police that it is in fact his sister.

But modern technology chances a lot… They talk, they send SMS. And maybe they meet. And maybe they even do more. The whole thing is always a secret. Not amongst the friends, where they may brag about who has the most girlfriends, but it is surely not something to tell your parents. Going to the shopping center together? Forget it.

In Europe, having a boyfriend/girlfriend means having a serious relationship, at least when you have reached a certain age. But in Iran, the term boyfriend/girlfriend is more related to the first contacts with the other sex and to something forbidden. A serious relationship? That means marriage, and that is a different subject.

It is still quite common that the parents look around for a good partner for their children. Or as one fellow pointed it out: “When it is time to get married, maybe my parents know a good girl, maybe I know one.”

Because having a girlfriend/boyfriend is neither something official nor something with a future it is also not something exclusive. Many youngsters are in contact with more than one possible partner. “Maybe I can get married to one of them? But if it does not work it is good to have more options at hand.” As time goes by, the whole story is slowly shifting away from “the parents are looking for a good partner and having a girlfriend/boyfriend is only a forbidden game” to “I search for a good partner myself”. And maybe after they have mastered that step, they will come closer and closer to the way we live in Europe.
Anyway, in Teheran everything is different, there you can find the whole spectrum of relationships. People that live as a couple and it is more or less official and others that still let their parents do the work.

Let’s talk about another term that is filled quite differently: Engagement. To be engaged here means that you have signed the legal marriage contract and that it will only take some more time until you held the wedding party. Having the paper in your hand means you can have legal sex and so, engaged people often live like husband and wive.

And now, knowing all that, how do you to tell Iranis what kind of a relationships you have? “I have a girlfriend” can find its reaction in giggling. “I am engaged” sounds over the top but is maybe closer to their thinking.
A typical question in Iran is: “Are you married or single?” There is nothing in between, no steps that indicate that you are seeing someone, dating someone, having a relationship with someone. No, marriage is something that happens to you from one day to the next. And that’s the way it is.